AN OPEN LETTER TO MY MENOPAUSHey Bitch! I know we are not the greatest of friends right now, so let’s see if we can clear the air and try and get right with each other before the words premeditated, or parole start getting thrown around. I think I will go from worse to not so bad first, so maybe by the time we reach not so bad we can be laughing together.
FORGETFUL FOG Look I already know that you come at a girl different every time, but this very thing you do is my “worse” and I’m gonna need you to either stop, or give me five minutes of lucidity to formulate a plan to cope! On a for real level I am no super model, I’m not a size two, never have been, but I am smart! Like really smart man! It’s what I got, and I depend on that, so if you don’t mind, please leave that feature alone…cause you are not even playin fair hittin me there! Let’s face it, there is no real reason an otherwise sane woman of 45 years old needs to forget where she is driving to or walk past the stuff in a grocery store, she clearly has marked on a list…in her hands none the less! And for what reason do I need to always forget where I put my keys, phone, purse, or sanity? I think to myself if you were an actual person, would you be like the Game Maker in The Hunger Games? Sitting back thinking of new and wild obstacles to put in my way, in order to not let me reach the end of my day, without some major mental melt down? So I ask you, no I plead with you to please let this one go…and I think we could even mend our relationship and possibly be friends.
ICHTY BITCHY Cause being skin crawly itchy makes you bitchy….or at the very least mildly irritated. What’s this particular fun phenomenon about? What pleasure do you possibly get from watching me scratch like I have scabies, or funnel through bottles upon bottles of gold bond ( * definition of insanity- doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result) it never works, but yet I somehow in my diminished mental state ( see above) think that I can sneak up on it, and I’ll magically not itch!
Please if you could maybe even just ease up on this, I can see myself coping with it a little better. Or if we could pick a convenient schedule for both of us to flare up, you know, show each other a little respect….. maybe we can coexist without this animosity?
FIRE AND BRIMSTONE Now we both know I don’t subscribe to the God thing, or Heaven and Hell yada yada, but bitch listen, I have had hot flashes so freakin intense that I have questioned every bad thing I have ever done, in order to begin atoning, on the off chance that the depths of Hell resemble them! However IF in fact there is a Hell, thanks to you I am…well…over prepared! Seriously does a girl need to get so hot she pukes….yep you saw it I puked! OR if I do need to reach an internal temperature that melts steel, can you give a gal at least one way to cool down….just one, itty bitty, even obscure if you want ( I’m not ashamed to do it in public) tiny way to put the fire out? Like even for a second, instead of forcing me to ride it out? Because every good negotiation needs to have a positive point let me interject here that I need to thank you for the hot flash warning system you have bestowed upon me in the form of giant red blotches that resemble hives. These serve as a type Doppler for the incoming fire storm and allow me sufficient time to get undressed ( if the occasion allows) or warn everyone in proximity of the potential for hatefulness from me. So for that I thank you!
HERE HOLD MY BLOAT Right before you got here full time I worked really hard to lose like 35 lbs!! I even became a vegan! WTF right?! And then you, yup you! Right in the belly! I mean you could hang out in my gravity affected breasts? ( I know you know where they are cause you randomly make them hurt, so don’t play dumb!) Have you thought about bloating my booty…I always thought it was kind of flat. I mean I could maybe even like this one if it were in one of those two places! So lets leave that one on the table for a little token you might be able to use to help me accept one of the above mentioned or possibly soon to be mentioned talking points.
WHAT MOOD AM I IN Some other women may put this a little closer to the top of their list, because they are usually otherwise agreeable ladies. Well I have never really been, so this lands a little closer to the bottom. I am going to ask that maybe, just maybe can we negotiate one spin of the wheel a day. You know wake up in the morning, spin the mood wheel and just leave me in that mood for the day? This particular request is less for me but more for the people who need to interact and or deal with me on a daily basis. The instruction manual for this particular feature seems to be missing and every user is really having a tough time…just sayin. Those are my top five in order of importance to me. I think we can negotiate some kind of peaceful resolution, that will allow you to do your thing, but not put me or anyone around me in the hospital or jail. I know that there are so many other fun “gift’s” you have bestowed on me such as loss of libido, the ability to hold and carry water like a 5 gallon pail, insomnia, achy joints, sore muscles, my one fun chin hair etc. and hey I can hang with all of that if we could just maybe tweak the above mentioned points.
This is me ready to come to the table, ready to bargain, before we get too far into this relationship and feelings are hurt, people are injured, and needless money is spent.
So get back to me OK? Let me know. Yours Truly, Dayna
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